


How To Make Jane Foster Faint (in one easy step!)

by pretzelduck



Series: Pretzelduck's Darcy Lewis April Challenge Stories [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 01:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3672780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretzelduck/pseuds/pretzelduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy celebrates Tweed Day and Jane literally cannot handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Make Jane Foster Faint (in one easy step!)

**Author's Note:**

> So a couple of nights ago, I was insomnia browsing the internets and came across fuckyeahdarcylewis.tumblr.com and their April Challenge. Inspiration struck and out popped my first new piece of fanfic in over a decade. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading.

It took Jane until the second cup of coffee to notice that there was something different about her former intern's attire today. In her defense, it often took two cups of coffee before anything actually registered. Including Thor in a Tony Stark-influenced (and branded) thong. No one was ever going to let her live that one down – even Bruce teased her for it.

"Darcy, what are you wearing?"

At the sound of her name, Darcy turned around from where she was standing and organizing yesterday's data printouts. Glancing down at herself, she tugged at the bottom of her jacket and looked back up at Jane with a completely straight face.

"I know you're not sleep deprived, Jane, because I was here when Thor showed up last night and literally flung you over his shoulder like a caveman. It was super hot, by the way. Like nuclear hot…" An often seen expression of amused annoyance took up residence on Jane's face and added a healthy dash of embarrassment as Darcy continued. "…but I suppose that could be a cause for sleep deprivation right there. We've had enough drunk on tequila nights that I've heard all about Thor's godly stamina. But seriously…"

"Darcy!"

"Jane!"

"What are you wearing?!"

Darcy looked down at herself for the second time. Yes, she wasn't wearing one of her usual (and extremely comfortable) sweaters but at least, the girls were sufficient covered. Last summer, the air conditioning had broken. Darcy blamed Tony. She had no idea if it had been his fault but usually if something was broken, it was because Tony had made it explode. The heat had forced her to resort to desperate measures: she stripped down to a pair of Daisy Duke shorts and a halter top. Two very distracted Science! Interns later and the fire in the spare lab was totally her boobs' fault. Darcy owned that shit.

"I know you go for flannel and nothing but flannel but this is tweed. A tweed jacket, to be exact. It's part of my cosplay for Eleven, to be more exact." At the blank look on Jane's face, she rolled her eyes. "One of these days, I'm gonna strap you to a chair and force you to watch Doctor Who. For someone who's so into Science!, your lack of fandom is really just bizarre."

"That doesn't explain why you're wearing it in the lab, though."

"It's Tweed Day."

"What?" It was Jane's turn to roll her eyes as a corner of Darcy's mouth curved up, signaling that she found her confusion quite amusing.

"April 3rd is officially Tweed Day. A celebration of all things tweed. And this is all I had, unfortunately. I really need to expand my wardrobe for next year." Darcy looked genuinely upset at that fact and Jane realized that she was growing more confused by the second. On so many levels. She gave voice to one, though.

"I wonder who decides that."

Glad that Jane had decided to move past the jacket for the moment, Darcy quickly warmed to the topic at hand. "No idea. The third of April is also Don't Go to Work Unless It's Fun Day and National Walk to Work Day."

"Why didn't you celebrate either of those?"

"First of all, I love my job so work is already fun. That means that totally applies every single day of my life. Which is completely awesome. I mean, how many people can say that? Secondly, what makes you think I didn't walk to work?"

"Since we live in the building we work in, we always walk to work."

"Sure." As soon as she said the simple word, Darcy regretted it. And there weren't many things she regretted in life. She should have used a more assertive word or changed the subject because Jane was bound to pick up on the ambiguity. Distracted scientist she may be but when Jane was focused, she could get anything out of anyone. She could probably get blood out of a stone if she wanted to, for crying out loud. Maybe she wouldn't notice. Jane was only on her second cup of coffee, after all.

"What do you mean, 'sure?' Didn't you sleep here last night?"

Well, fuck. Time for distraction tactic number one: denial.

"Of course, I did."

"Darcy."

She really didn't want to talk about where she had slept last night and Darcy was something like 99 percent sure that Jane was not ready for that information. Plus, when it came to Jane, she was a shitty liar. Maybe she subconsciously wanted to talk about it but since she'd slept through her one required psych course in college, she had no idea. Time for distraction tactic number two: Science! Darcy turned and grabbed a random stack of papers off of the desk behind her.

"Don't you want to look at this data, Jane? I'm sure the thingy that does something has really interesting information for you. Wouldn't you much rather being reading it?"

A soft click and hiss told her that the doors were now locked and she was trapped. Jane had apparently used her distraction to digitally ask Jarvis to put the lab on lockdown. Darcy tried to glare at both Jane and the ceiling at the same time but all that accomplished was making her cross-eyed.

"Not cool, J. Totally not cool."

"I am sorry, Miss Lewis."

At least the A.I. sounded apologetic. On the other hand, Jane had her "I’m gonna a build a rainbow bridge and I dare you to try and stop me" face on.

"Darcy, where did you sleep last night?"

Had SHIELD investigated Jane’s skill in interrogation? Because really, it needed to be looked into. Part of the problem was while she was sure that Jane really didn't want to know, Darcy kinda wanted her to know. Jane was probably (almost certainly) the best girl friend she had ever had. After all, Jane had never accused her of using her boobs to try and steal her boyfriend which automatically rocketed her to the top of the sadly short list. Sometimes, girls could be so nasty with each other. Whatever, their loss. So keeping something like this (this being one super-secret boyfriend) from Jane, it felt weird and more than a little wrong. Also, she really wanted to gossip and bitch about her boyfriend to someone. And there were only so many someones with enough security clearance. However, she owed it to her pride to at least pull out the big guns before completely folding like a house of cards.

"By the way, how are things going with Thor? Everything still awesome between you and your very own personal alien sex god?"

"Darcy."

"He is from a differently realm, Jane, so Thor totally counts as an alien. We've talked about this."

"Darcy."

Damn. Jane looked entirely Not Amused. Like capital letters and everything. Anyone who saw Jane running around the lab like a rabid squirrel doubted her ability to do anything besides Science! However, that look had bullied SHIELD into letting her publish parts of her research and won her the respect of the Black Widow herself. Needless to say, Darcy knew her goose was cooked and it was time to wave the white flag.

"I slept at Nick’s last night." Since the slightly puzzled and blank look on Jane's face didn't give her anything to go on, Darcy figured she might as well keep going. "He dropped me off here and then drove to his office in his tricked out spy car."

As the wires slowly started to connect, Jane's eyes began blinking rapidly.

"I tried to convince him to walk but he was all 'it's not safe, Darcy' so I had to wear the jacket since I couldn't celebrate walk to work day the way I wanted to. The ride on the elevator from the first floor to the lab doesn't count."

By now, Jane's face had contorted into this odd mixture of horror, confusion, and dread but she still hadn't said anything so Darcy just shrugged and let the word vomit continue.

"And neither does the walk to my suite to get the jacket. Nick doesn't want me keeping too much stuff at his place so my cosplay stuff is here. We had this big old fight about it too. I was like 'does that mean you're not serious about me' and he just kept saying it wasn't safe. I didn't believe him until we were at this great little Italian restaurant – you should totally take Thor but be polite and call ahead first so you can warn them – and some guy tried to stab him with a bread knife. Nick said it happens a lot and that's why it's not safe."

A weird squeaky whimper escaped Jane's lips but once Darcy started talking about her super-secret boyfriend and her super-secret relationship, she discovered it was kinda hard to stop.

"After someone tried to poison his root beer while we were at a retro showing of the African Queen, I figure it's never gonna be safe. We had a fight about that too. Nick tried to break up with me but I wouldn't let him. I've seen him naked so he's stuck with me now. Talk about nuclear hot."

At this point, all of the color seemed to just drain out of Jane's face but Darcy didn't really notice. She was rambling now.

"Anyway, you know I think the problem is, Jane? He doesn't want to make space in his closet for my stuff. For a man who wears a uniform and the leather coat of sexiness almost every day, Nick has a lot of clothes. You should see his shoe collection…"

Darcy paused because it looked like Jane was trying to form words.

"Are you talking about Director Fury?"

"Yep."

And apparently, that was all it took to make Jane to faint dead away. The woman could go for two days on no sleep with nothing but black coffee and pop-tarts propping her up but the fact that she was dating Nick Fury was too much. Darcy was honestly a bit insulted. Thankfully, Jane just kinda slumped to the ground so Darcy wasn't worried about any injuries to that brilliant brain of hers. A loud click told her Jarvis had lifted the lockdown.

"Shall I alert Medical, Miss Lewis?"

"And Thor." Darcy was not looking forward to explaining why Jane had fainted to Thor. The gossip king (excuse me, prince) of the Tower finding out meant that everyone would know about her and Nick before the end of the day. Oops. "Thanks, J."

Darcy sat down next to her unconscious friend and awkwardly patted her on the head. If this was how Jane handled Tweed Day, she was going to need to make sure Jane had had at least three cups of coffee before she opened her mouth on National Honesty Day. Nick was damn creative in the bedroom and Darcy had wanted to brag for months now.

-fin-


End file.
